No, I'm not okay....my arms are just tired and my fingers are numb.
Sunday, May 19, 2002 // 11:53 p.m.

That sounds lke it could be the beginnings to a song. I'd listen to it.

You know, I was pissed off. Everyone should have been able to tell. I was screaming my fucking lungs off. But what did you all do? You laughed at me. You all continued to taunt me. When everyone finally realized how pissed I really was, one person just told me not to cut (which...unusually enough...is something I hadn't thought of...) and the other got depressed. ((Btw, thank you Katie and Elise for being the only two who really tried their hardest to make things a little bit better. I appreciate it more than you would know...)) Okay, the cutting thing didn't bother me except I learned YOU LIED TO ME. And if you did then, how do I know you haven't before? How the hell am I supposed to know when I can actually trust you? I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND. And well, as for getting depressed....I don't suggest getting depressed when I'm pissed with you because TO BE QUITE HONEST, I AM NOT EXACTLY IN THE MOOD TO DEAL WITH IT. If you want me to feel that you really care, for gods sakes, try to prove to me that it's okay......don't run off saying how much you hate yourself, because seriously, that just makes me think you don't care even more.

There. Now that you all know why I am mad and ready to kill something, I shall go attempt to repair my fingers from punching bag practice...you'd think the gloves would help.

There are times in your life when a little mud won't hurt.
Saturday, May 18, 2002 // 05:38 p.m.

After earlier today, I decided it'd be best for me to go out for a walk, soooo, I did. First, I went all the way up to Fairfield, and then turned. I walked past Dunc-o's old house (which is now that UGLYASS TAUPE COLOR!!!!!), and then when I hit the corner at the church, I turned. I went around the backside of SJBS and then turned onto Arlington. While on Arlington, Mom called. She is over at Justin's to take pics of the guys and their dates for prom...she was asking if I wanted to come. (Which I didn't.) So then I turned down Prange...I considered stopping and seeing Sam, but decided against it. I then turned down Beaver and took Beaver to Shorewood. As I reached the T of Shorewood and Hartman, Wes called. He talked for a bit as I continued to walk, and then he decided to go get ready (he and Aaron are going to see Star Wars today...they've been getting Yoda s/ns and everything). I then turned into the woods and wandered aimlessly for the next half hour.

The woods were quite the place for me to be when I was depressed. See, they lead STRAIGHT to the St. Marys River. About six times, I thought "I could jump in right now and no one would be able to stop me." I would then turn and keep walking. After just walking and randomly thinking, I was okay...I still don't know what was wrong, which was why I had left... But the fact that I'm better is alright, so I suppose that supercedes it. As I left, I was thinking of how I could explain it, and I came up with something... "Have you ever wanted to hang yourself from a tree, but you didn't know why? That's what I'm going through RIGHT NOW." But I think it's good that I didn't hang myself from a tree..... =)

Okay, finishing and adding.
Saturday, May 18, 2002 // 03:10 p.m.

Okay, to finish up last night. When I got home, I was taking my phone to my room, when I noticed I had voice mail. It was Dan's mom... "Hi Kelly, this is Daniel's mother...I just wanted to say that he doesn't have to come home, I was just worried and wanted to know where he was...so if you could pass this message on to him, I'd appreciate it...thank you..." Frustrated, because it had taken me a good ten minutes to figure out my fucking security code, I decided to try Wes's and see if Dan was still there.
Wes: Hello?
Me: Hi...is Dan still there?
Wes: .....yeah......
Me: Can I talk to him?
Dan: What?
I then tell him about the phone call......
Dan: She doesn't care, anyway.
Me: Yeah, well, I just wanted to let you know...
Dan: [to everyone else] Her cell phone cut out. Me: What? No, it didn't...
*click*

I was in the computer room at the time, and Mom was over on her computer. I looked over and went, "Well, someone's gunna be mad at me tomorrow."

Yeah. Shopping. First, we went to get Wes's present. Sooo, that went quite smoothly cuz I just said what I wanted and instantly the guy had it out. Then we stopped by the 'vette museum to check out the Car Show. OMG, I WANTED THAT RED CORVETTE SOOOOOOOO BADLY! lol. But Mom and I have been talking and she seems open to getting me a Seabring or even looking around for an orange Bug! ^________^ I WANT MY ORANGE BUG WITH ORANGE LEATHER INTERIOR AND ORANGE RIMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *o* lol

Next we went to Meijer. Mom stopped by Photo so I headed off to Juniors. After finding some stuff, I went into the dressing room. In there, the phone rang. See, if I hadn't been in the dressing room, I would've picked up the phone...but I was standing in the middle of Meijer sans clothing. I was like fuck it and let it ring. Then I went out and wound up deciding on a red dress and a pair of jean shorts. Then, Mom dragged me through the bathing suits. While she wandered, I ran into Danny. We stood around and talked for a little bit, then he ran off. So I dragged Mom away, and she stopped at the PSX2s. They're at 200 bucks right now, so she is willing to get me one, if I want...so I'm thinking about whether or not I want one right now. We then checked out and went over to Kohls. There, Wes called, and it turned out, sure enough, he was upset about me calling and asking for Dan. Then, I was looking for sandals, and he's like "I guess you're busy...I'll let you go." So we got off the phone while I finally picked out a pair of sandals. Then, as we got in the car, I declared I WAS DONE SHOPPING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She dragged me over to Fashion Bug. >.<; Sooo, I looked in there for not even five minutes...then we went next door to Sally's, where I got some clear nail polish. I then INSISTED that we come HOME, and here I am now. I'm not really in the best of moods, and I can't figure out why... *sighs*

No Cream, No Sugar!
Saturday, May 18, 2002 // 11:19 a.m.

Well. Yesterday to say the least, SUCKED... Ummm, first period was sooo long cuz we just looked at slides, second period blew because we had a sub so I couldn't play with the scanner, fourth period was ALL classtime (we usually only learn for about half the period, lol), sixth period we were walking on the track (Wes and I arguing most of the time), seventh period I cried nearly the whole time (but ironically enough did quite well on my math stuff....math is soothing, it takes enough concentration that it takes your mind off of everything else), and then I continued to sob for another fifteen minutes outside of Jaeger's room after school let out. (We're not going into details, let's just say that I'm not the only one whose day sucked.)

Then, at Wes's house, Mrs. Meyers got ALL over Wes cuz Teagarden called her about his research paper AND a lot more people than we had planned on were coming over... Soooooooo, yeah. Then we cleaned his room and I sat around listening to Dan and Aaron while he got lectured by his mom (I think). Theeeeeeen, everyone else showed up...and, well, I dunno...it was just an off night. During almost the entire beginning of the night...see, I have really long nails right now. Well, not REALLY long, but it's long for me since I tear them off all the time. Anyway, I sat there most of the beginning of the evening, just running my thumbnail along my wrist, making deep creases along my veins. (It was in the long fashion...the way you would do it to kill yourself.) I never broke skin (which is unusual with my nails...) but it's still sore and red.

Today, I had my hair appointment with Neely. I went in and told her I wanted black and she flat-out refused. She thought shaving could be okay though. =D lol, buuuuut, Mom said no, and I still want to save it. So, she was sitting there, looking at my hair, and she suggested a dark brown. (Think...Britney Rorick or Julianne or...uhhh...Amanda Rappaport.) I thought that could be kind of cool, so she brought out the dyes and went to work. While she was doing it, she told me the color was called coffee, so I asked "No cream, no sugar, right?" AND NOW I WANT THAT AS A SCREEN NAME! XD XD XD! o.O; Never mind me. I'm messed up. =D

Anyway, I'm out, yo. I gotta get shopping. x.o; SAVE MEH!

Survey says!
Friday, May 17, 2002 // 05:32 a.m.

Okay, as many of you may know, I've had on-and-off aspirations to shave my head. Now is another one of those times. In fact, I asked a bunch of people what I should do, and the general consensus was to go for it. However, I am going to wait until the very last day of school to do it, to go out with a bang =D Except I do remember how much I had wanted to grow my hair out... (Basically, I swore that I was going to grow my hair out as long as my mom had it when she and my dad were engaged. I've seen pictures...it was down to her ass!) Soooo, I now have two weeks and two days for you all to savor my hair. The irony: I've got a haircolor appointment with Neely at 8:30 tomorrow.

ROAR. Okay, WESLEY.....!!!!!!!!! lol. Alright, I've been on that boy since September that I NEED MORE PICTURES OF HIM, right? And twice during these times, we've even been dating, which you would think would mean he would actually SEND ME SOME, right? WELL HE STILL HASN'T. On top of that, Katie (Batman) and I were exchanging as bunch of pictures, and she sends me one of Wes! Was it one of the ones I have saved from the party? Nooooooooo, it was one I had never seen before! Hell, I haven't seen a SINGLE one with his webcam! I stormed him like the Bastille and got on him on the phone...cuz for goodness sakes, he's in love with me.......I SHOULD GET FIRST PRIORITY FOR PICTURES. x.x; *shoots herself in the foot so she'll shut up*

Mr. Koczergo........I HATE THAT MAN...........HE IS AN ASS. Okay, now the story. Neil and I had a 9:30 appointment with Mr. Quigley yesterday to switch our blocks. I probably wouldn't have scheduled during Theatre Arts if it weren't the only time Mr. Q had open. So, I get my pass during second period, and I hand it to Mr. K during third. He tells me I can't go, and to go sit down. I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM, I HATE HIM. Next period, Mr. Shull told me to go down and file a complaint. >D! Soooo, then I went down to see Mrs. Moake and she set it up so I could go in and see Mr. Quigley during lunch. So I approached him and he trusted me that Neil wanted to switch....then Wes dragged Caitlin in while we were still there, and they switched...then Wes fixed his scheduling stuff, and now he just has to pick a Trig teacher, and both of our schedules will be complete! =D (We're both taking Trig second period....I'm taking it with him one, to be with him; and two, so he can help me with all the Algebra II stuff I won't know yet.) I still get to take Stailey for Algebra II, and I hear he's good...so that'll be cool. Plus, I understand everyone's going for Winebrenner for Trig, and basically, I could have him in seventh period, but no one is going for Weaver or Patterson, the two second period math teachers....soooooooo, I'm thinking it's quite possible that I'll get into Trig with Wes, too. The rest of my classes are already guarenteed. =D!

Well, yo, I am gunna get a good fifteen minutes of sleep before I have to get ready for school......peace out!

I GOT IT! Woo-hoo!
Wednesday, May 15, 2002 // 10:02 p.m.

AGH...THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY ANNOYING!!! *scratches all over* x.o; I itch horribly AND AND AND there are moths all over the damned place. GOD. FUCKING. DAMMIT. lmao, sorry, I'm not as frustrated as I sound, but I iiiiiiiiitch... *whines*

Tonight was quite a night. After a fairly sweet time with Wes at his house (I mean it was pretty romantic...not scha-weet...well, it was that too,) we headed out to Wings. First, we picked up Aaron, and things were fairly uncomfortable. He rambled enough for all of us, though... Then we picked up Paul, and we actually were fairly decent to one another. In fact, I don't think I said anything mean to him all night...but I could be wrong.

Anyway, at Wings, things were obvious of how everyone felt. We had a table for 10, and it went as so...the second two seats on one side were occupied by Andrew and then Paul. On the other side, in the first four seats were Joey, Aaron, Wes, me. Basically, I was off in the middle of nowhere, while they all were having their guy-time. Quite honestly, I haven't felt that out of place since last year's cheerleading competition. It was okay, though, cuz I managed to keep myself occupied THINKING about that day. lol, that is quite coincidental, eh? Actually, no, cuz I had made that connection in my mind quite quickly... But anyway, by the time we got to Ground Level, it was better cuz Joey and I were getting along and Paul and I were getting along...and Aaron and I were ignoring each other, and Andrew and I were ignoring each other. After awhile, I got tired, so I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

I actually kinda "faked" sleeping for awhile...you know, where you're out of it enough to be sleeping, but you're fully aware of your surroundings? Yeah, like that. Anyway, it was sooo sweet... See, every day, I think it impossible to love Wes any more than I already do...and everyday I prove that wrong. While he thought I was asleep, he whispered to me, "I'll love you forever...I'll protect you." That made me fall about twenty BILLION times more in love with him, cuz he said this to me, thinking that I'd have no clue that I had heard...and so I mean, it means that he really has to mean it cuz he wouldn't just say it to put up a front...it was just me and him and he thought I couldn't hear either. So, I mean, that right there... Well, let's just say I am reeeeeally happy now. ^_^ On top of that, we stood outside and cuddled and talked while we waited on my mom and his to stop talking. It was excellent. I was glad. =D

AGH!
Wednesday, May 15, 2002 // 05:23 a.m.

At this rate, I'll never have my password memorized! I was close, today, but I was still one character off. I CAN DO IT! =D lol, sorry, rambling. Now to begin.

Last night was kinda...messed up. We were in a chat room, Wes, Katie, and me. Wes and I got to talking about Dan, and forgetting we were in a chat room, not an IM, slipped up and said that Dan had been doing drugs that one day for Aaron's birthday. Well, as I mentioned, Katie was there, so she got upset with Dan. When he got on, he was reeeeeeeaally pissed with his stepdad, so he was even more upset when she wouldn't listen to him. So, he got offline. He then called me, and I played mediator. As it turned out, she did believe him, but neither one was really listening quite right to the other, because both were kinda in ~moods~. Dan wound up going for a walk to clear his head.

Wes then found out I had been on the phone with Dan and got upset. He got mad because he says it's creepy that I've been on the phone randomly lately with Dan and he doesn't find out about it until many moon later. So after a little bit of self-justification, then not quite ARGUING, but cross-assuring, we were okay. He called Aaron, and I sat around...umm...what did I do during that time? ^^;;; lmao, half an hour of my life, lost. XD! Go figure!!! Anyway, I did something during that time, and then he called me back and we talked till 11, at which point, Mother had me get off the phone.

So, all in all, despite some random struggles, it's alright. I got ST's website done...I finished my math homework (and then found out from Owen that he didn't check ~.~; Go figure.)...and finished my bracelet! Now...speaking of finishing things, I think I should go finish getting ready for school! *looks down at herself in her robe and up at the towel on her head* ^^;;;; Or start might be a better word...lol. Ta!

Um. Hi...
Tuesday, May 14, 2002 // 12:12 p.m.

Wow...ummm...hi...yeah.

I stayed home sick today. I'm not sick, it's not mental health, I just can't go to school today. Luckily, Mom bought into it, so here I am. I slept most of the morning away, and now I'm just running through checking blogs and updating my own journals. Yes, all three. So feel free to check both Burning Flame and Amazing Flying Girl later...I actually already have put some stuff into BF, but that's beside the point. I figure after this, I'll work on the Seeking Therapy website, and then I'll do my math homework...then I'll work on my bracelet/necklace thing. I wonder what all I missed in school today. Let's see, I was gunna play with my color negatives on the scanner in Journalism...we started Pirates of Penzance in TA...began dissecting clams in Bio...IMC in Block...and volume of cylinders and cones in Geometry. Suck. Ah, well, I'll be alright.

Last night was kind of abrupt of getting offline, I know. Then, my computer locked up and I had to restart twice...and THEN I got on my s/n I got back in February, when I was giving up socializing. And of course, instantly, you get Milly-Tim, "hiding again?" Why is he so smart!!! x.o; lol, sorry, but I envy his brilliance. Anyway. I don't really know what I want to do with the rest of my day. It's gunna suck. >.<;

Happy Mummy's Day!
Sunday, May 12, 2002 // 09:46 p.m.

WOW...today has been quite interesting.

Okay, this morning, after blowing out some of my sulkiness with some loud music and dancing around without a shirt on. (I had my pants and bra on...but I was too lazy to put my shirt on quite yet.) Yeah, so after that, I felt a little bit better. Then, I called Wes and woke him up. I found out he forced me to get off the phone for no reason, cuz he stayed up til 4:30 (¬.¬) Anyway, I explained what was wrong, and we tried to talk...but it just didn't work with Aaron there. Sooo, I was like "screw this" and talked to my mom the entire time I was on the phone with Wes.

Work wasn't that bad. I only had to bag for a little over an hour. While I was there, I ran into Mrs. Meyers, and Wes's family (sans himself and Grandma). She invited me to their Mother's Day dinner, but Mum already had one planned...so we wound up puttin em together, cuz ironically enough, everyone wanted to go to Casa. o.o; Go figure. George was being annoying the whole time >.<; (lol) and we worked the whole me-moving-over-here thing...so I officially live back at my Mom's again! =D! Yeah, so that was pretty cool.

In fact, I told Dad and packed my shit and now I'm here. Dad didn't really seem to CARE. Marilyn got a little upset, but she seems okay. Anyway, so now I'm here for good. YaY!

I'm listenin to the Tommy double-CD set. YaY! lol, I'm done. Ta!

//

You better shape up if you're gunna prove that my faith is justified.
Sunday, May 12, 2002 // 08:19 a.m.

o.o; WOW. I listened to one of my old CDs today, and here was everything I heard from it (nine songs):
Yubiwa // Sakamoto Ma'aya
Heart in a Blender (insert real song name here?) // Eve 6
Promise // Eve 6
Desperado // Eagles
Summer in the City // good question, lol
Score from the 'Power of One' Soundtrack // Pokemon 2000
The Time Has Come (Pikachu's Goodbye) // Pokemon
You're the One that I Want // Olivia Newton John and John Travolta
Forevermore // Tenchi Muyo
It was quite interesting to reminisce about old music.

Last night was Tommy once again. Mom picked me up from work, we came home, I got ready, talked to Dan, "talked" to Wes, and then we left. We gave Dan a ride there, and we talked about Katie, Aaron, Paul, and him looking like a rat the whole time. It was quite amusing. The play was twice as good this time as it was last weekend...too bad it was the final performance. It was INCREDIBLE. I was mighty impressed. Then we stood around for awhile while Mrs. Meyers and my mom talked...then we drove home, taking Dan home. We talked about Katie, him looking like a rat, and how much he plays up his horndoggedness, even if it's not really there. (Basically, he said, he wouldn't force her in to anything, but he wouldn't really say no, either.) Soo...then we got home...Wes and I "talked" on the phone till about 1:20, when he went to bed. I stayed up for another fifteen, twenty minutes just thinking...and then I finally decided to screw it and set my alarm so I could go to bed.

That was my yesterday. *nods sagely* I shall now go get dressed. Peace out, yo.

Mwehehehehehe!
Saturday, May 11, 2002 // 08:42 a.m.

My lj hath returned, IN ITS ENTIRETY (now how tight is that?), so guess who is in a REALLY GOOD MOOD! On top of that, I go to my mom's today after work, possibly to NEVER RETURN!!!!!!! See, she and I have been working on this since Tuesday, and she seems open to the idea of dropping me off at the bus stop in the mornings and I can ride the bus home with Wes after school. Heh heh heh, Marilyn and Dad won't even know what hit 'em. Of course, Mom still will be thinking about it, so we shall see. We're going to see Tommy tonight, so I don't know when I'll next be online. I get off work at 3:30, and I wanna get to HHS by quarter till 8...but who knows how long we'll sit around and talk?

I am incredibly sore and tired. I need a weekend off, lol. Of course, if I had this one, I'd be forced to go to the wedding ~.~; I have another reason for being pissed at Marilyn and Dad. They have no idea that when a person is trying to sleep, they DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED. Marilyn came in two nights ago to talk to me...Dad interrogated me all the way home last night AND came in after I was trying to sleep... >.<; *smacks em to kingdom come* GRR! PARENTS! Well, I suppose I can't label it like THAT, since Mom and George have never done that. They wait for ME to come to THEM, which is something I really appreciate.

Well, I dunno yet how I'm going to handle having three journals, but we'll figure this shizzo out. Peace out for now, yo!

Yup, another one of these entries.
Thursday, May 9, 2002 // 10:03 p.m.

You see, it's not that I'm mad at you. Honestly, I'm not. I'm just bothered that you could be so persistant when I already say no. You know how I feel about it... I dunno, I did get a little pissed tonight, yes...but seriously, I don't want to be forced into it. Yeah, I'll do it randomly, but the more you ask me, the more I'm going to say no. It's my decision to make, and the more you pressure me about it, the less and less I want to do it. I'm sorry, but it's just the way I am. So, please, please, back off on it just a bit? I'd really appreciate it...

Hey, you! I'm glad we're friends again. But here's my question...are you just putting up a front to my face, or are you actually ready to be close to being friends again? Hell, we were on the same wavelength tonight. We haven't really been like that for months. And you know I miss being friends with you...hell, how couldn't I? But it's hard. I don't feel like I can trust you. And on top of that, the crowd you hang out with... To say the very least, they hate me. Well, except for one person. And I suppose that person is a bit more important to you than everyone else. Or I think so, anyway.

Helloooo...what is going on? I want to help you... I can't really help if you're going to just say "something's up, I don't want to talk about it, go ahead and hate me." YOU ARE SOUNDING LIKE ME, GODDAMMIT. Okay, I consider you one of my closest friends...I want to be able to help you out. There's something wrong, and I want to know what it is... Hell, it may even be me, and if that's true, that's fine. I just want to know. Yeah, there's a lot about me that has changed, and I know people see me a lot differently now knowing a lot of stuff that's going on... But one thing that hasn't changed is that I'm still here if you need me. My phone number has not changed.

Hi. Hello. Excuse me....WHY THE HELL DO YOU HATE ME?! I understand a lot of people and why they hate me. There are even some people that I thought hated me that don't. I asked Matt today, and he was like, "Where would you get that idea?!" It made me proud. But anyway, honestly, I have not done a thing to you. Hell, I hardly ever even talk to you! But so many times you've tried to fuck things up for me, but it doesn't matter to me. You are taking the wayyy wrong approach, unlike your buddy, who has an illogical reason to hate me (which I'm guessing came from you. You fed the information last time your buddy hated me, too.) So, what the fuck have I done to you?

It's funny. You're trying and it's too late now. She's not trying, of course. But neither of you have a clue. Come Monday, or hell, even Sunday night...you'll be shocked as fuck. And I'll be sitting here on my ass laughing at you. Miss me yet? Too bad. You screwed up too badly now, and it's fucking OVER. It's funny, because I can't say I hope you learned your lesson, because I was your last chance. I was, wasn't I? I guess you took your first mistakes to the extreme and fucked up when you tried again. There's this thing, see? It's called COMPROMISE. You learned it a little too late.

Last person... I warned you about this a couple months ago, remember? I never made the connection until today, at school. And it wasn't even me. "What'd I tell you?" he said. We had talked for hours about this, and you swore up and down that he was wrong. That it wouldn't happen. But look at us now? A year from now, I'll be in his shoes, and your current buddies will be in mine. Do you always live your life in a cycle? I've commented on this before. When something doesn't work right, you run away to somewhere new... When someone doesn't fit your standards, you run away to someone new... When life doesn't fit your standards, you attempt. God, you talk about it like you're proud of it. Or like it's someone else's fault. THERE IS NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF...IT'S YOUR OWN FAULT, YOU CHOOSE TO DO IT. NO ONE HOLDS THE PILLS TO YOUR MOUTH AND SAYS SWALLOW. Sorry, I've wanted to say that for awhile now. But, anyway, I'm not saying this because I want to piss you off. I'm just saying that if you want to hold onto things, maybe it'd be a good idea to learn from past mistakes.

*sigh* ...
Kel: "I've got three times under my belt."
Wes: "That's not something to be proud of."
Kel: "I know. But there won't be anymore, either."
Krista: "You know..."
Kel: "I'm proud of that part."
Krista: "I was just about to say."
Comparison between birth and suicide in a poem. I'm sorry, but no. It led to that conversation. ~.~; Fun.

Today I hijacked a plane and wrote your name across the sky.... XD (The Ataris RAWCK.)
Wednesday, May 8, 2002 // 09:34 p.m.

Okie doke. Today has been quite excellent. I finished my portrait in Art, and finished a roll of film for Journalism. We filmed our silent movie in Theatre Arts today, and I bombed (maybe) a Biology test today. In Block, we had a review game, and Teagarden cheated HORRIBLY for both sides. We lost. Ummm, and we took a quiz in Geometry. After school, I came home and witnessed the breakup of Seeking Therapy, but according to Greg, they're back together now. Then I went to the orthodontist. Wes had a teeth cleaning today, so he was already there...we went back to his place. Once again, we had good, old-fashioned making out... (This is one of the good things about....er...nevermind.) I only think we'll get a chance to do that again tomorrow, cuz I think things will be back to normal by Friday. Though I still may be able to seduce him into it. XD! I had to put up with dad's psycho babble (he asked if I thought I still needed to go to Lorrain. It's funny...he's the one that forced me to go, and now that I actually LOOK FORWARD TO GOING, he asks if I think I still need to go. I HATE YOU, FATHER.) Yeah, and that's all. I'm out. Peace out, yo!

Everything is gunna be alllll right!
Wednesday, May 8, 2002 // 06:45 a.m.

Alrighty. Last night rocked face, thought I'd let you know...some awesome shit is going down, but I won't give you the details until after this weekend. Wessy knows (*muah!* Shh, don't tell anyone, sweetie!) and that's about it! *dances and prances and runs off to get a notebook to start her list*

Oh, and uhhhh...Mom talked to Nathan, and he says that everyone is a slight bit bisexual...it's just a percentage. (Which I agree with, about the percentage thing, since I really lean towards guys a bit...) Like, 60-40, or 90-10. He says even about 20% of him finds himself attracted to women, and look at him! He's married to Don! And like, Rosie O'Donnell and her thing for Tom Hanks. It's just the same. But ya know, I suppose not everyone completely understands this because of such obsessions of "OMG I HAVE TO B SO STRAIGHT...OMG U R GAY....OMG U FAG." I mean seriously, folks. Grow up. It's not as bad as you make it out to be. Besides, it's not like you wake up in the morning and say "I think I'm going to be straight today!" ~.~;

He says he has faith in me, but what if he's wrong...?
Tuesday, May 7, 2002 // 02:51 p.m.

*screams* ADAM!!!!! I NEED THAT SONG BAAAAACK ;____; (Been There, Done That, or whatever I called it...) That song is very important to me right about now and I don't want to re-write it. I only remember the chorus, which I ADORE.
Been there, done that.
So what's the problem?
He says he has faith in me,
But what if he's wrong?
Been there, done that.
He doesn't know
What it means to me,
I just can't let it show.
I adored that song, and now I can't find iiiiit ;______;

Wtf? There's a little feather thing beneath my keyboard. I thought I'd share that ^^;

Um, I thoroughly protest mood swings. Yes. See, I get reeeeeally confused when before first period, someone's happy and smiling; then between third and fourth, they are upset and mad at me; and then by lunch, they're smiling again! @_@ See, Wes was happy, so I was happy. Then he found out I had been on the phone with Dan, and wasn't happy. I got sad, cuz I said "I love you," before I headed off (to be tardy T.T) and he was just like, "Yeah." Sooo...I slammed my bookbag on my desk and pulled out a notebook and just wrote everything that came to my mind...how I wanted to help, how I didn't like things coming between us like they are, how I wanted things to work out. Then I got down to lunch, and he was happy and smiling and I just sat there thinking o.o; Did I miss something? So I gave him the stuff I had written down...and we were okay...and then something seemed wrong, and I dunno...I just am ready to fall over, assume the fetal position, and scream. I want to help...I really do. But I don't know what I can do, cuz it doesn't seem like he wants me to help him.

>.<; I'm getting backlash from my depression. Yeah, everyone's upset over what I said about not feeling I could trust anyone. When I told Lance how I felt about that, I think he managed to pull me out of everything I was feeling with lack of trust. He goes, "If they're you're friends, then you can trust them. If you can't trust them, they're not your friends." Then I explained about when Dan told me I didn't have any friends, and Lance goes, "Kelly, you have friends. You have me. And even if you lose everyone, you can start over from scratch. I did when I started going out with Tara, and now my friends are a lot better than my old ones." After that, I decided that he had a point. Friends are friends. They are there, and you can trust them. You just have to look past your own insecurities.

Ah.....Kelkel is in a generally calm mood. *^^* I shall now go and prance away. Ta!

*yawn, stretch, snort*
Tuesday, May 7, 2002 // 06:38 a.m.

Wow, I'm dumb. ^^;

Alright. We'll start off to say, I am doing much better. After I got off the phone with Wes last night, I was at ease, to say the least. Things were better, I was better... I called my mom. I wanted to talk to her...she's my mom, ya? So we talked for...I dunno, till 11:30. Marilyn and my dad deserve to DIE for how they treated me while I was on the phone (my dad called me a slob, Marilyn got on the phone and bitched at me...among other things for both. I'm kinda glad my mom heard all that...) Sooo, I cried myself to sleep because of how my "parents" treated me last night. Sooo, I was asleep and my cell phone rang. It was Dan! We talked until...WOW...umm, what, 1:30? When my phone finally cut us off, I called him back and said I was going to sleep...lol. You know, that was kind of like back when we were best friends. When I could tell him everything without worry of being judged or criticized? Back before all this shit got screwed up... I hung up and I felt great. You all remember my quote from RT, right? The Rave Roster one? Yeah...

WOW...Kelkel obviously missed something. Elise went off on someone in her journal (I see hints of myself in it, in fact, but I'm always assuming it's me, sooo....I could be wrong, I may not be.) and Holly then put something in HERS which I am assuming might possibly be a reponse to that? If it's not, she went off on someone else... All I can do is sit here and go, "Um...what'd I miss?" *sighs* I miss all the fights anymore... I'm not saying I want them to happen, but I wish I could be there to help out. Cuz honestly, we never really fight for good reason, and I just want to keep everyone happy. Cuz honestly, that's what's important in life...happiness.

I know exactly what I want to say...
Monday, May 6, 2002 // 06:51 p.m.

...but I'm not going to. See, I'm sick of this. I'm just going to try and smile and be happy and hope this goes away. I'm going to bite my tounge and not be mean. I'm going to just roll with the punches and secretly hate people (*cough, cough, MY PARENTS, cough cough*) behind their backs. I think it's about time to polish up those acting skillZ...

>.<; Life.
Monday, May 6, 2002 // 02:44 p.m.

She had been my best friend. Until she died in battle, like everyone else I loved.
I stepped away from Rave and Cerulean at that thought.

I just keep thinking about people... This is kind of hard to explain, and I don't even want to explain, because I don't feel I can trust it even in all of you...which is ironic, because that's what I'm feeling. It feels like I can't trust anyone anymore...not my friends, not my family, not Wes...my own fiance...my own fucking soul mate. It feels as if no one can or will listen, and those who have or will are now gone... Everyone always leaves. I keep thinking that slowly everyone is going to drift away, one by one, and I'll have to start all over again, from scratch. It started with Paul, then Dan, then Aaron...what's next? Even Wes is distancing from me...he almost just left me there in block today. And then I never see anyone online anymore. It's like we're all suddenly getting a life. Belle, Adam and Brandon are all that's left online, and we don't exactly TALK talk anymore. Not like we used to, anyway...

What's even worse is the hallucinations. There are times that I'll look down at my arm, and I'll see scars...knife wounds...words, carved into it. Always my left arm, always. And they're puffy and sting. They really sting. Then I close my eyes, and it's like I see the whole damned process. The cutting...spraying with hair spray to make it puff up and sting. I hear it, I smell it, I feel it. Or even more, the times I close my eyes and I'll see Wes with someone else...like with with. Sometimes it's Krista, sometimes it's Katie, sometimes it's Kourt. It's not that I think it'll happen, it's just the fact that I keep imagining it. And then I can't get the thoughts out of my head...I'll keep seeing them in like, block...or I'll hear myself talking to one of them, or even him, about it. And then there are those random thoughts yet of running away from home. These are like when I was little and I would literally see myself outside of the car, holding on merely with a rope...see, when I'm sitting up here, I'll glance over at the window, and I see it standing wide open and I'm climbing out. Even if the goddamned curtains are closed...it's like I see the shadows behind them, and I know...I just KNOW that it's exactly what I see when they're open.

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. There's this thing about spring. May 20th, April 24th, May 14th...let's chalk May 6th up to the list. Worst day of the year, each year. *laughs* I'm sure you're all curious. I actually listed this last year, too.
May 20th, 1999 - Ahahaha...the day I asked Wes Martinez out in sixth grade. I instantly went nuts...first time I started cutting was this day. It was like a hell on earth. "He doesn't deserve a cheerleader!" lol...damned fucker...I hear he got kicked out of BLHS for drugs and is now back in OK...
April 24th, 2000 - A date which will life in infamy. Tch. I think we all remember this day, don't we Dan...?
May 14, 2001 - I don't know what all happened right off hand, but all kinds of shit happened. I just wanted to fall over and DIE.
And now today. *sighs* Life sucks.

The uselessness is killing me.
Monday, May 6, 2002 // 06:32 a.m.

I feel like everything is going on the fritz. Like it's all there, but it isn't... It feels as though I'm talking into the wind...no one can hear me, much less listen. I can't turn around, because no one will be there, but I can't change the weather...I'm just a little girl. It feels like everything's fading, and not only is there nothing I can do about it, but I am also to blame. Every thing I lose seems to be my fault...because I became a bitch or because I fucked up somehow. And I eventually lose everything, never gaining, until I finally am forced to start over from scratch again. I can't speak anymore...everything I say is heard by all. I can't do anything...because nothing I do can ever be enough. I can't go anywhere...nowhere wants me. I'm just this useless little girl sitting on her self-righteous throne. As much as I'd love to get off, now that I have become overcome with guilt, I would have nowhere to go...

~.~; I hate my life...because I am hated in my life. It is pure, it is plain, it is simple.

I hate.
Sunday, May 5, 2002 // 11:00 p.m.

My life.
My parents.
Much more.

Entrancing you within her glance, entrapping you in her grasps.
Sunday, May 5, 2002 // 08:37 p.m.

WOW. I'm using creepy subjects again. Be a-ph34r3d.

My horoscope was more than right today. "Things are about to get very strange, Gemini. They may not change for the worse, but by tomorrow everything will definitely be different." Yeah, that pretty much sums up my whole goddamned day. Well, if they added in, "You're going to clash with most everyone also, so beware of the human population," then they'd be describing today perfectly. UGH. I hate days like today.

I got up, got ready for work, etc. etc. Nothing out of the ordinary. Around 10, I called Wes. He had told me to. For the first time EVER, I actually woke him up. That surprised me, cuz he went to bed around 11:30 or so last night, so...yeah. Anyway, so then I asked my dad to take me over there after work. and after a little bit of arguing, he said okay. Work sucked. I felt like shit...headache, cramps, plain old shitfeeling. I was having bad visions, too. Like, hallucinations, but really scary ones. So I talked Nickie into letting me off around 2:30. I went over to Wes's and after some four-wheeler riding and a few Advil, I felt better.

He and I made out like wild hyenas. It was fun. I don't think I've had good, old-fashioned making out like that since...I wanna say early March? I don't know dates well, but I think that's about right. Anyway, then we talked and he played his game and stuff, and wound up getting into an argument that feels like its still affecting us. It's one of those things that you know neither of us are ever going to give up on, because a) we're both so stubborn and b) this isn't a little tiny thing. I'm worried though, because it honestly is affecting us, and he's distancing himself a little bit.
Wes:"Yeah, I suppose I still love you."
Me: "Suppose?"
Wes: "Yeah, I suppose."
Later...
Wes: "You make me happy most of the time."
Me: "Most of the time..."
Wes: "All of the time. Except when you won't listen to what I tell you to do!"
...
Me: "Nothing I can do is enough for you!"
Wes: "Fine! You win. Whatever! Do what you want."
Yeah...I was whatevered.... See, I'm not going to give in...but I'm not going to give up, either.

My birthday is a MONTH FROM TOMORROW!!!!! lol, Adam, whatta think, are we gunna shoot for it this time? *thinks about the wrapped present sitting at her living room-dining room table at her mom's holding the Britney Spears barbie doll* XD! Anyway, it's hard, because honestly there is nothing I want or need this year. A puppy. A video camera. A dark room. lol. Stuff I'm not going to get, sure!!! Maybe I'll talk my mom into a road trip with my friends or something? My dad will try and take me shopping...boy will that be disappointing. (For him.) Seriously, though, folks. I don't want anything for my birthday...I'm perfectly fine.

My dad's being an ass. One, he won't let me go over to Wes's tomorrow after frisbee. Two, I'm probably not going to get to see Wes this weekend. Three, I wish my father and step-mother would die and rot in their graves. You know, everyday, this gets worse and worse. I hate them more and more. Every day, I'm ready to move to my mom's...but I can't, and that's what sucks. I can't go back there... UGH. *jumps off a bridge* ... *someone casts Full-Life* Yeah, yeah, yeah....I just HATE my parents. God, does he not CARE about me, or is he such a sick and twisted man that he gets pleasure from my pain?

*sighs* I'm feeling kinda shitty right now...I think I'll sulk for awhile. Ta!

The deaf, dumb and blind boy sure plays a mean pinball!
Sunday, May 5, 2002 // 09:26 a.m.

Woo! The Who's Tommy was last night. It rocked face! Wes and I ushered so we got to watch for freeeeee...lol. In fact, we got to spend the whole day together! He came over at noon and dropped me off from the play at 10! How totally excellent is that?

I've been having some really weird dreams lately...ones with Kourtney in them. Last night's was probably the weirdest. I saw her come into wherever I was, so I hid. But she still managed to find me and first was bitching at me (something to do with Wes) and then told me she won (meaning she had gotten him back.) Now, I'm not giving a whole lot of thought to this dream because I know he's mine, and if he ever did leave me, it would NEVER be going back to Kourt...but just the fact that the dream occurred bothers me. Is my subconcious trying to tell me something about her?

I thought a lot last night. About my brother...he has no ambitions, no dreams...how does that boy get up in the morning? How does he sleep through the night? Then again, at the same time...disappointment can't exactly haunt his dreams, either. And I thought about how different the two of us are. We were raised in the exact same enviroments...so how is he so different from me? I also pulled a sixth-grade Kelly move. One of those self-discovery things...I mean, who am I? What makes me unique? Wes couldn't come up with anything, which is kind of sad. I thought about my insecurities...about how Wes may find someone out there that's better than me and leave me laying here... See, he's perfect, yeah...but more importantly, he's perfect for me. Of course, then I got to thinking about how fate may have actually brought Wes and I together. In fact, I fell asleep thinking to this one.

One, we met at orientation, but I never thought I'd see him again. He was smart, the school was too stupid to realize I was, too. Except, then I switched into his block, and it's like, "Hey! I know you!!" "Yeah, orientation." "Oh yeah..." But it felt like more. And he always knew how to make me feel special. The whole "You're my buddy...how could I hate you? Here, give me a hug," thing. And then after all the shit we went through, we kept getting brought back together. First it was through Danny and his depression and our wanting to help. Then, Dunc-o and his little get-together thing. After that, it was Paul because we were both friends with him. Then, Aaron brought us together by being friends with us both and wanting us to get along. I guess that in the end, everything does happen for a reason...

Though some things, I just lack to see reason in right now. I feel bad for some people (not mentioning names, because oh my god, I have become such a bitch since I started going out with Wes!!!! Hahahah...yes, I'm mocking the culprit party here.) This poor person has been victimized, and I tried to help...tried to encourage them. Of course, I didn't know the whole damned story. There was a whole part of it that had been left out in the grapevine flying around the classrooms Friday, and now I know the full story. And you goddamned asshole...you tell me it's my fault, when you made the promise. You tell me I'm a bitch, when I sat here and said you were better than that and wouldn't. And you did. You fucking supplied it.

Whoops, that's all the giveaways we have for today! *prances off singing* See me...feel me...touch me...heal me...

The circle of life.
Friday, May 3, 2002 // 07:48 p.m.

Wow. Everything repeats. History is nothing but an endless waltz. How much longer until it all recycles? How much longer till the past becomes the present becomes the future? Honestly, though, folks. I feel like we just went through this...wait...WE DID! *sigh* Well...I suppose it's okay, because nothing could ever go so wrong that I could let something this trivial truly get to me.

I just don't like seeing these loops...they scare me.

It's actually come down to this...
Wednesday, May 1, 2002 // 06:46 a.m.

You know, I'm finally laying down the line. If I'm getting threats made to my life, then I'm just going to have to walk away from now on. The funny thing is, this was his goal the entire time...to isolate me. Ah, well, I'll always have at least one person. Someone that he thought he could win over...someone who promised to NEVER turn on me. Then again, I can think of another person who promised that, but I'm afraid to how they might act when I talk to them about it... It'll suck, I'll have to tomorrow, more than likely... Well, if worse comes to worse, I'll always have the ff and the AW peepz.

On another note, I hate my dad and Marilyn. Again. I see Lorainne tonight, and that'll be interesting... Aaaand...well, just a lot of fucked up shit has been happening. If this much can change in just this year, what will happen by senior year...?

What a night...!
Tuesday, April 30, 2002 // 06:38 a.m.

Alright, to finish off my story from yesterday morning...then, I'll tell you what I can fit in of yesterday!

Alright. Borders. Wes bought some movies, I bought The Stand (=D!!!!) and then we headed out to Baskin Robbins, where Mrs. Hopper insisted on paying for us. There, Aaron attempted to hug a goose o.o; and then after they called him a wuss and he dissed me, we left. First, we dropped off Aaron, then Wes and I got dropped off at his house. Dad had said he wanted me home at 6:30, sooo...we hung out there for awhile, then Mr. Meyers drove BOTH OF US (lol, I'm evil) back to Dad's. We watched TV here and played LOD and ate pizza until around 9:30, when Mr. Meyers picked Wes back up.

I was online, right? Wes got on and he IMs me, "You're coming home on the bus with me tomorrow, right?" Well, we had agreed to this, but I hadn't asked my parents yet, so I asked Marilyn. She said yeah, but then informed me that Dad was going to make me cut back on my time with Wes. He declared that I could see him tomorrow (yesterday technically), Wednesday for Wings, and one day on the weekend. Instantly, I broke down sobbing. I swear, I was this close to running away. After I blared about half of For You by Staind, they had me come downstairs and we reached what they call a 'compromise.' I could see Wes Monday, Wednesday, either Friday or Saturday, and Sunday. Sooo, that's exactly what we are doing. I still hate them, just not as much as I did. Fuckers.

Yesterday. Let's see, synopsis of school day...everyone was nice to me in Art, no developer in the dark room in Journalism, watched Nunsense in Theatre Arts, did a lab in Bio, worked on poetry stuff in Block and got my research paper back with a VERY disappointing grade of C- (I turned it back in to Teagarden, asking for a second opinion), and I wrote spiteful messages on my calculator in Geometry. Rode the bus home with Wes, talking about cars with him, Beth, and Jessica. Twas quite fun, actually. The little bastards got made fun of by us and the sub bus driver...XD! Soo, that was my school day.

Lance picked us up around 5:30. We got there about 6. Standing in line, waiting to get in, we talked randomly. It was super cold, and the line was mega-long! It only took about five minutes though. They took one of my two cameras, cuz they didn't stop and think that "Wait, this girl is a photographer? Oh, I'll bet she has two cameras!" Sooo, yeah, they took my good one though, so that sucked. Hoobastank went on first, and they were incredible. The crowd was going wild just at the sight of the Hoobstank logo lighting up. It was awesome. They played for about half an hour, and it was sooooo great. Then, for about an hour or so, they set up for Incubus, so Wes and I randomly made out...then Incubus came on and OMG the crowd was soooo excited. It was about ten to twentyfold of what it had been for Hoobastank. I think twice, the crowd started yelling and the band would come back out and play another song. And though I'm not really interested, Brandon Boyd was soooo sexy. (Okay, bite me. He's almost the hottest guy in the world, second only to Wes, so don't even try to lay that "you have a boyfriend" crap on me. He's nothing compared to my baby.) Yes, so, I lost my voice from screaming and got my dances with Wes (^____^) and now I am dead tired! lol! We dropped Wes off, and I fell asleep. But it was worth it. The whole night was worth it.

Well,yesterday was certainly HELL IN A HANDBASKET...
Monday, April 29, 2002 // 06:38 a.m.

The day started with Wes waking me up. We attempted to figure out the workings of the day, and eventually we decided that he'd pick me up and we'd wait over there for Krista to pick us up. So, I told Marilyn I was going over there (I didn't get far enough to say I was getting picked up...) and she said no, I had to clean my room. SOOOOO...while I waited, I straightened my room up. Wes showed up around 12:15 or so, and then we waited at his house for Krista.

Krista and Aaron showed up around 1:15. On the way to Naked Clay Cafe, Krista, Aaron, and I played car games. First we made a stab at Eye Spy. Then we played the story game (whoo, boy, that was interesting.) When Aaron got bored of that, Krista suggested a game called "Dirty Word Limericks" or something. The rules are, you make up a phrase with only one letter, and it has to be ~dirty~. I was tempted to say something about someoned needing a bath. XD! Anyway, then we got there, picked out out our stuff and got started.

After we glazed our stuff (me - a medievial chalice, Krista - a lightswitch and a mug, Wes - a dragon, Aaron - Wiccan stuff), we went to pay. Aaron and I had been okay all day (minus random times when he said he was biting his tounge to be nice), but then he asked me if I liked his keychain. Now, you all know goody-goody Kelly. I think stealing is the stupidest thing anyone could ever do. And I told him, I didn't really like it because it was stolen. Or something along those lines. Then he got mad. So Wes told me to back off, it wasn't my deal. Well, see, it wasn't Aaron getting mad that set me off...Wes has been taking Aaron's side ever since Aaron and I started fighting. EVERY TIME. And I got upset, because think about it, does it or does it not mean that Aaron is therefore more important to Wes than me? Sooo...I got upset, and then Wes got upset, and then Krista got upset, and Aaron ALREADY was upset... When we got to Borders, it was a big mess.

At Borders, I explained to Wes what was wrong. He got a little mad, because I would think that, and walked away. Soo...I did too. And then he tracked me down, and wouldn't let go of me (^_____^). Now. I'll have to finish this story tomorrow, because I have to get to school and I HAVE THE INCUBUS/HOOBASTANK/PHANTOM PLANET CONCERT TONIGHT!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!! *jumps up and down screaming*

Quoth Cara of FFGlory
Sunday, April 28, 2002 // 12:30 a.m.

Okay, this isn't EXACTLY how I feel, but I've been thinking a lot about how things have changed this year... Here goes. (All credit to FFGlory

"I'm not sure what happened.

Before this whole kidnapping thing occured, me and Wark Wark were great friends. Then one day, this bad man came and locked me up in a dark, cold, and damp room without anyone to talk to... I survived every minute knowing that Butz, Leanna, and Wark Wark would come to rescue me. I stopped myself from crying many times because I just knew my friends would come and save me.

Then one day, the dark room brightened for the first time in an undeterminable amount of time, and I saw the outline of their faces in the light. At first I thought I was dreaming, but after my eyes adjusted to the light, I knew it was truly them... At that moment, I just knew everything in my life was going to be fine from then on... I had no idea just how wrong I was...

Now I'm all alone again, nowhere to turn, no one to talk to... Butz and Leanna, Wark Wark and Megan, and Cara seems to be the proverbial third wheel... Am I nothing more than a mere annoyance to them? Did they only stumble across me in error, or do they wish they never found me?

Maybe the bad man was right when he said I was wasting my time waiting on my friends to save me because I wasn't worth saving and they wouldn't waste their time saving something worthless...

I refuse to be a burden to my...friends... They saved me, and I owe them so much for saving me...

Yes... I will repay their charitable deed by leaving... I will do them a favor and leave, so I can no longer pester them.

I'm better off alone anyway..."


Okay. Now, my interpretation and relation of it to myself. The "dark, cold, and damp room" with the "bad man" is my view of what my depression was like. Back when I was cutting. Butz, Leanne, and Wark Wark (whose name is actually Chocobo in the comic o.o; ) are representative of Paul, Aaron, and Dan, respectively. They pulled me out of my depression, only to have me on as a third wheel. (Note, Katie's kind of the Megan character, here...) And now I can do nothing but repay them by leaving them behind... They won't mind, after all...

You wounds heal/only for more to form.
Saturday, April 27, 2002 // 11:09 p.m.

Wow. That would be such a tight poem. Lemme see if I can scratch a short little thing out...
Your wounds heal,
Only for more to form.
What were you thinking when you said "It's over"?
I told you, I did...
But you stubborn fool, you didn't listen.
Now look what happened!
You deserve it.

o.o; I'm scaring myself. Okay, step one: You win. That's all I have to say to you. Tch, and you don't even know who you are. ((Btw, no one assume it's them, cuz chances are, it's not you.))

Alright. I spent yesterday and today over at Wes's, and Aaron was there a lot of the time both days. We were decent to one another most of the time, but that's about as far as it went. In fact, yesterday when he left, we both said the same thing: "I'll be decent to you, but I don't feel I can trust you as a friend." Anyway. Yeah. And tomorrow we all go to the Naked Clay Cafe. As ~naughty~ as that sounds, it's really just a coffee shop where you get a pre-made pot and you glaze it and they'll put it in the kiln for you. Yayness *^^* I haven't done any pottery stuff in AGES. I don't like making the pots, but I like the painting part. It's like photography...lol. I like developing, but I'm starting to be frustrated by #%#$%$@!ing taking of pictures. Yes, I'm fucked up. Fuq. XD <333

OMG. ISAIAH! HE WAS SOOOOO MEAN AT WORK TODAY!!!! See, I was doing a run for Josh (he is mega-awesome, yo) when I stopped by to see Isaiah, since I knew Yuri would've taken over my bagger position (we were fighting to see who could bag for Josh). He asked me to take his baskets back cuz he had a whole bunch. So I picked em up and went, "I'm not your slave, you know." His response? "But you are my bitch." I was like "NOT EVEN COOL!!!!!!!" (I didn't say that.) I came back, and I told him I should have bitchslapped him for that comment. He asked if it took me that long to think about that. >.<;;;; As much as I luff that boy, I HATE HIM! lol, I'm fucked up, we've been over that. But, anyway, yeah, he's still my second favorite cashier...second only to Josh!

Hey, Andy, dood, I am reeeeally in the mood for some new music. You written anything new lately? I don't know where that came from, it was random. In fact, Adam, any new poetry? Ummm...Elise, Steve, any new fics? o.o; I guess I'm really deperate for some online amusement. See, I've made a discovery. I am reeeeeally boring to talk to online for most people. With the exception of Steve, EVERYONE I talk to, I wind up stop talking after a while. It's not that I just don't want to talk, it's just neither of us know what to say. >.<; I am so incredibly boring, it's not even funny. In fact, this entry is now boring me. Tata for now!

Okay.
Saturday, April 27, 2002 // 08:51 a.m.

I'm going to write in about an hour or an hour and a half or so, but at the current moment, I need to take a shower. ^^;; Ja ne, minna-san!

o.o; No one's ever on anymore...
Thursday, April 25, 2002 // 10:10 p.m.

Does everyone from the ff have me blocked or something? The only person I've seen on recently was Milly-Tim this morning, and that was with an away message. Holl, Steve, and Elise are NEVER on anymore...Melissa's on occasionally, but she and I don't talk...I sometimes see Jackie on but she reminds me a little of Cherry, so I generally don't talk to her. WHERE ARE YOU ALL?!?!?!!? I feel so aloooone T.T; lol. Anyway. Yeah, you guys start GETTING ONLINE SO I CAN TALK TO YOU! I talked to Holl...what...three nights ago? Steve before that, and Elise even before that! ;____; I MISS YOU ALL! And more importantly, where the #$#^%#$@#%%^ is James?!?!?!?! I MIIIIIISSS YOUUUUUU!!!!! ALL OF YOUUUUU!!!! COME BAAAAAACK! And...and...Rolando! And Saff! Though if PS911 comes on, I'll jump off a bridge ~.~; OKAY. FREAKY FAMILY. RETURN TO MEH!

Ugh...I'm sore. I should go to bed early tonight... Tomorrow, I think I am doing something or something that is supposed to be important...art goof-offs, journalism scanning, theatre arts stories, bio lab, block Wes's presentation and...?, geometry review(?). Oh, and "Tomorrow friday April 26, 2002 is national ASS GRABiNG DAY send this to ten people and have a fun ass grabbing day. Less than ten u wont get none." AND "FREE LOVIN' DAY! Sex in the parking lot, condoms handed out with each bag of chips, orgies in spec gym... ALL ON FRIDAY! Forward to 10 people, or you will be stuck masturbating! :-(" LOL, I thought I'd share those with you all. *grabs Wes's ass and runs off* XD XD XD

^^; Okay, ignore me.
Wednesday, April 24, 2002 // 09:42 p.m.

I'm doing much better. =D Between the dark room today, and then spending the whole night with Wes, and just other random things today... By third period, I was rip-raring to face the world.

Let's see. My day. Before first period, I was feeding off of my last entry feelings. Depressed, talking kinda bad...and Wes instantly noticed. He tried to get me to cheer up, but he didn't do too well. (I'm sorry, sweetie...) Then Art came, and I worked on my portrait project. We're doing little individual facial features drawings at the moment. My eyes all turned out really pretty...and the noses were good....BUT THE LIPS WERE HORRIBLE! I did the mirror-drawings today, and eww! Are those really my hideous lips?! Anyway. Neil and I were talking before the bell rang, and he made me excited cuz I knew that I'd be going into the Dark Room the next period. Then Wes walked me to Journalism, and he was glad to hear I was feeling better. Journalism was spent in the dark room, which was soooo relaxing. Katie Beck was in there part of the time though. ~.~; Oh well. After that, I headed up front to see Emily. While we were standing around, THE FUNNIEST THING EVER HAPPENED!!! Sean stops Alec (crazy kid in 2/3 block...gets high a lot...does TOTALLY hilarious stuff...he once hugged Teagarden and Walker) and asks him some question. Alec looks at me.

Alec: Wanna go make out?
Me: I've got a boyfriend.
Alec: So?
Me: ...he's in your seventh period class...
Alec: ...can I at least have a hug?
Emily: *stands between Kel and Alec* She doesn't do hugs!
Alec: *blinks...looks at Emily* Wanna go make out?
Emily: *cowers away* I feel dirty!!
LOL, yeah, that made me finally feel like I was ready to face the day. It was hilarious as SHIT.

Theatre Arts was a test...walked Wes halfway to German...Bio was a lecture day on Cnidarians (I was working on Spartana Royale most of the time)...lunch was nothing out of the ordinary...first half of block was Matt and them's presentation. It was a poor presentation, except Tyler had a very good individual presentation, and Matt had a humorous visual of the Berlin Wall with Legos. I gave them a B. Break, I think I talked to Danny most of break? Second half of Block was researching for our upcoming Concept Projects. Mine is death, and I chose "The End" by The Doors and a poem by Carl Sandburg. I was on the search for some prose when the bell rang. Ah, well. Wes and I walked towards seventh period, Aaron joined us...Emily ran into us, asked if people were mad at each other...Aaron said he'd explain later. Theeen...I slept through most of Geometry. I kept Wes company while he took a test, and then we went back to his place. He wasn't feeling well, so we decided to stay home...his mom fixed Fetuccini Alfredo and Salad (yummm) and after he ate, he felt better. We played GTA3 and watched Just Shoot Me, King of the Hill, and Seinfeld.

...Krista, Elise, and...uhhh...*looks over her list* anyone who thinks I might need to talk to them (o.o; )...I need to talk to you. ESPECIALLY you, Krista.

Ya know...
Wednesday, April 24, 2002 // 06:28 a.m.

I was this close to beating Marilyn today. Or at least screaming at her. She said that she thinks Wes and I are spending too much time together. I fumed, and went into my bedroom to finish getting ready for school. I turned on New Schtuff and blared For You by Staind. Once the song was over, she came in and told me not to worry about what she said. She just didn't want me to get hurt. And now I've been thinking about that, and you know what? I finally believe I've been hurt so many times that I'm immune. I just run off and hurt myself if someone hurts me bad enough. I don't mean that in a blaming way, I'm just saying that's my general reaction anymore. I mean, I don't get hurt much anymore. Or if I do, I don't know that I do... So, it's not like I do anything a lot... But I'm just so damned stupid, that I have a tendency to do stuff like that. I'm such a bitch, it isn't even funny... I've had quite a hand dealt to me, and I'm just playing the cards like they're nothing. I honestly need to stop dicking around and actually become a real human being...cuz I'm not going to get anywhere in life with the way I'm acting right now. I'll lose Wes (which I'll probably wind up fucking that up and he'll realize how horrible of a person I really am, anyway...) and then all my friends. I'll fail high school and wind up some crackwhore out on the streets. I don't know...the more I screw up my life, the worse everything becomes. I'm beginning to lose it all, and there's nothing I can do about it...cuz all I'm doing is spiralling downwards.

It's just one of them days...
Tuesday, April 23, 2002 // 09:53 p.m.

I don't know what's wrong with me today, but I've managed to
1.) Fuck everything up
and
2.) Become really depressed.

~.~; I suppose I'll go figure myself out...

I hate to be redundant...
Tuesday, April 23, 2002 // 06:37 a.m.

Ya know, I've probably said this a thousand times, but I don't deserve Wes. Honestly, though, this time. And this time, it's also not because of how wonderful HE is. It's because of what a bitter bitch I've been to him in the past. I got into reading old convos last night, and I'll admit - I don't have most of them. The majority of them were in my Kelly's Stuff folder before Dad deleted it. But in the New Folder (literally, it's called New Folder (I was too lazy to change the name XD)), I had enough. One arguement, on January 3rd, was as follows:
Taron1186: if u had waited like 2 weeks...i would have seen her again...and could have told her
Taron1186: and u didn't listen to me....
VirginityPoacher: ............
VirginityPoacher: Tell me....does it hurt you more that she hid it or that she did it?
VirginityPoacher: Because then you'll know why I told.

I can't read the rest of that convo without crying. "i love her more than I think u could possibly ever love anyone" ~.~; There are other ones, too. Stuff about me cutting, more stuff involving Kourt, stuff having to do with Katie, stuff about me calling him a jackass...... I've been such a bitch to him in the past. He never should've even become friends with me again... He could do so much better than me! Sure, I may be this pretty little outer shell with her own indiviuality... I may be this big-breasted girl, on the outside. I may be a choir girl, a journalist, an Alpha girl... But you know, that really isn't what's important. I am such a BITCH and there is so much about me that is just wrong. I don't even deserve him giving me the time of DAY...ESPECIALLY after everything I've done to him... He could just do so much better, and I'm dragging him down...

Hm...what can I actually SAY about today?
Monday, April 22, 2002 // 09:25 p.m.

Let's see. I got a lot of compliments in art today! It was really cool, Pratheek even said it was good. When I asked Neil if there was anything I should do to it, he goes, "Yeah, give it to me!" And...in journalism, I developed film and it turns out it was just the roll that didn't turn out. Which is unfortunate, cuz I could use a new camera...lol! Umm...we started group essays in block today, which are going to be soooo much fun ~.~; See, for one, it was just Wes and I working today. Let me rephrase that, it was me, since Wes hasn't read the book, but he at least paid attention. Yeah, sooo, that'll be interesting. (More later.) And, that's all that happened at school.

After school was the first UFS game. During the first game, I took pictures, but I'm sooo pissed. I grabbed a screwed up roll, and it probably won't turn out now. Soooo, I'll have to take ANOTHER roll of sports pictures. I AM NEVER GOING TO GET TWO ROLLS!!!!!! Yeah. But it was sooo cold, I was in three coats and still cold! lol. I talked to Jaeger a bit, and he dislikes my brother more than me! XD! I was amused. Also, it was interesting seeing Krista and Kent together. Neither one is what the other one expects in a boyfriend/girlfriend (from what I picked up, anyway. I could be wrong...) And in our game, we lost terribly. Half way through, though, I switched out for Aaron (most of our team wasn't there, so we had mostly subs anyway). Yeah, so that was fun.

Alright. In that entry where I don't mention names, the first paragraph is Aaron. 4/20 - National Get High Day, right? Yeah, he took that up right away. But, we're not going into my feelings about that, cuz I've talked about it enough times. Sooo, today he went on and on about how sorry he was, and I flat out told him I won't be friends with him. He has lost every bit of my trust. We hung out most of the day (UFS and block, mostly for reasons...) Then Wes gave him a ride home. When Mrs. Meyers asked if Aaron was coming with us or if we were dropping him off, they left it up to me. I said I didn't care, and looked at Wes with eyes that said Okay, I don't WANT him there, but it's your call. He made the call that Aaron should go home. So, Aaron emailed me today saying to stop telling my friends to not hang out with him. *searches for a time when she said that* I e-mailed him back, and you know? I don't care if this doesn't salvage. I didn't think it would in the end anyway. But I feel sooo bad for Wes.....he's Aaron's friend too, and if it ever came down to it, me or Aaron (which with the way things are going, it may have to...not like, indefinitely, but in any given situation)...who would he pick?

She's just a sad sweethart of the rodeo (not another legend now...)
Sunday, April 21, 2002 // 10:42 p.m.

Huh. Go figure. The only person who understood my last entry was Krista. The "dumb blonde." Hahahaha...the irony. Anyway.

Today was kinda weird. I got up late and wrote that, talked to Dan a bit (and Paul...but that doesn't matter cuz he's an ass and is on block again :-D), washed my shirt, and went to work. Yay. Work. >.<; Then, on break, I called Wes, and he was sooooo worried about me!!! He and Aaron had read my last entry and thought I was shutting out the world. (You know, turn off cell phone, turn off phone, put up an away message? Of course, the fact that I would have to have an away message up to be doing such a thing implies that I wasn't, but anywayyyy...) Like most people, they misinterpreted. Wes sent me an email about it, and...yeah. So when I called Wes, he was all upset, and I'm like "SORRY!!!!!" I wanted to just reach out and give him vicious hug. I apologized and explained everything, and he was okay, and suggested I come over after work.

So he and his family picked me up, and then we shopped for a bit (I evaded getting an anniversary gift...GO KELLY :-D!) Soo...then we got Taco Bell and went back to his place. I watched him play GTA3 for awhile, then he tried out his new game. Dad was an hour and a half picking me up (lol, YAYYYY!) Sooo, on the way home, I called Mom, and we talked for awhile. Then I called Wes when I got home, and here I am now. <3.

Btw. Chances are, I may or may not tell you who the five people the last entry were directed to. But if I tell you, don't tell everyone...I'm not wanting it as public material.

This is going to be a weird entry.
Sunday, April 21, 2002 // 08:57 a.m.

I hope you know how you hurt me. Goes to show how much you really cared about our friendship... You know, when I told you how I felt, you said you cared. You said you cared! But you just had to go and throw it all away, as if it was nothing. You had your warning. Last time? You got reeeeally lucky. Ironically enough, that's not a lot of luck. But you have done the worst thing you could ever do, and you fucking know it. You even fucking TOLD THEM not to tell me. I'm not a little dumbshit. I know what the hell is going on. And I'm sorry, but it's over. And I hope that you know what the fuck you did. You're ruining your life, and it's starting right here.

And you...okay, you don't even read this. But I'm still talking to you. I would've thought you had realized by now. I mean, you can't just do something like that and expect things to immidiately jump back to how they were. We're still friends... Maybe we're not what we used to be, but maybe that's for the better. Look what happened last time... Of course, you also have to take into account the fact that we at one time hated one another, and managed to salvage that to best friends. There's a possibility. A chance. So, don't get depressed right now... But, still, I would've thought you would've known that I just didn't see us in the same way...

Ah...someone who could read but chooses not to. Not that it matters, you find out everything in it from everyone else anyway. But I don't mind. You said you wanted to know what I was thinking. This is what I'm thinking... I love you, that's what I'm thinking. I'm glad we're finally getting past our little insecurities and managing to have a relationship where no one worries. You're perfect, have I told you that lately? ...perfection... Of course, you realize, I'm still getting my navel pierced, and probably a tattoo still, right? But I won't drink or change my name. For you. I love you...

HEY YOU! YEAH, YOU! Okay, thanks, but I don't appreciate being told that you are annoyed by everything about me. IF YOU'RE SO FUCKING ANNOYED, THEN WHY DO YOU BOTHER BEING FRIENDS WITH ME?! Seriously, though. If you hate me so much, think I'm so horrible, then why don't you just kick me out of your life? Cuz, I mean, come on! You have such fucking strong opinions about everyone and everything...but you don't stick by a goddamned one of them. All you do is sit and lecture all of us, but what right do you have? Your whole life is spent right there, in that chair of yours. When you go out and experience the world, then I'll listen...but stop telling me I'm living my life wrong when you're not even living yours at all.

You...have I even given you the link yet? ...did you read when you had the link to the other one? I miss you, ya know? I understand that you're busy and have all the shit going on...hell, I'm hardly on anyway. But how some people have been talking lately, it's made it so all I can think about is what happened. Where things have gone with us. Where you have gone... It's funny, because we used to be so incredibly close, yet ironically so far away. Do you get what I'm saying? Whatever happened...? Now, you've even told me, I'm not the one you feel I can talk to... Understandable. I'm not exactly a talkative person otherwise, so it wouldn't seem I'd be a deep person. Hell, maybe I'm not...

All of you, thank you. For being here, for listening, for caring. Whether I say it or not, I love you all (on various levels, of course).

I watched a change in you. It's like you never had wings.
Saturday, April 20, 2002 // 10:48 a.m.

o.o; I needed song lyrics. Don't ask me why. *switches to the Mario theme again* Okay. Entry.

I'll admit, I was a bit upset when I wrote last night, so some of the stuff I wrote (ie. the depression thing) was a little harsh. But I'm feelin muuuuuch better today. See, when Wes called me yesterday, Aaron was over. It was our one-month anniversary, so I was kind of upset. Not at either of them, just in general. Then I talked to Uncle Dave about it, comparing him to Dick, who went to the mall with Sean on Valentine's Day. Uncle Dave said that what Dick did was worse, and told me I should ditch Wes as payback. I'm not that mean, so Dad and I went shopping and I got Wes a memory card and a card, and we took off. When I got there, Wes and Aaron and Haylee were riding the four-wheeler. I gave Wes his stuff, and then we rode around for a bit. When we were done doing that, we went inside for awhile. Wes and I watched TV while Aaron played on the internet. Then Wes wanted to back outside, so the two of them played on the trampoline for a bit. Then Aaron's mom brought Aaron's wiccan book, so we returned to the trampoline. After Aaron and I sat around discussing our stories, Wes said he wanted to go inside. So we did, and Wes and I both fell asleep. KJ picked me up and I went to bed.

So, all in all, though it wasn't what I had expected, I'm pleased with my anniversary. Though I'm pre-declaring next month's just me and Wes.

I'm a winner. What the hell am I doing here?
Friday, April 19, 2002 // 03:11 p.m.

I love this song. I've started re-creating my mom's house playlist...only not as much as it was. When I re-download the Veggie Tales songs, we can all be afraid. lol. Anyway. So everyone download the acoustic version of Deftone's Change. It ROCKS.

The field trip to Ball State was today. It was GREAT. KJ drove me to school, and we were almost late!!!! See, the traffic was horrible, so it was almost exactly 7:15 when we got there. Stupid intersection. But then we boarded the buses, and I sat up front with Kasey. On the way there, I listened to my CD and wrote a bit, before I fell asleep. Carly woke me up when we got there, and I packed up. We went inside and watched the dude up front. They gave out awards (I was so disappointed...we hardly got any awards!) and then they set us loose. I hung out with Carly, Leah, and Lindsey. First we just wandered around downtown, until we decided we wanted some Subway. So, we went into Subway and ate, then wandered the campus. We finally sat down and just...well...sat. Carly went off to go find her cousin or something, so Leah, Lindsey and I sat around talking about drugs, and sex, and boyfriends, and depression, and all kinds of shit like that. Also, I broke out my new kickass pocket knife that I found a couple days ago and got to try it out. I was making little toothpicks, and they turned out pretty damned good. (lmao, I'm considering giving them to Dan sometime..."no wood for Dan" will be broken! MUAHAHAHAHA!) The knife is excellent. I pity the fool who lost it. I also pity the fools who get me depressed...but that doesn't seem like it'll be happening.

On the way home, I literally wrote for a full hour and a half. I worked on Spartana Royale. It's turning out really well. I wrote Danny and Paul's fight scene (it's AWESOME...) and Emily and Owen's scene. (It's not as good, but they're not as evenly matched as Paul and Danny were supposed to be. Danny is 2nd ranked, Paul 5th, Emily 3rd, Owen 9th.) Soon, I have to start Emily and Danny's match, which will be a little hard. I also finally figured out everyone's different elements...but it was HARD! Some were easy, like I was fire, Aaron lightning, Dan darkness...etc. etc. But it took me forever on, like, say, Glenn, who I finally gave silence. This is going to be soooo tight. I also adore how the relationships between characters are working out. DAMN I LOVE THIS BOOK! =D =D =D!

I dunno. I guess I'm done.
Thursday, April 18, 2002 // 10:47 p.m.

Burnt, fried, and crispy? lol. Okay, okay, I'll stop. Anyway. I don't really want to bitch about anything today, cuz for once, I really think it's just that I need sleep. I took a nap today for about an hour and a half. I think Mum called, and if not, I dreamed she called. Maybe even both. Then Wes called, and he got all upset that I was taking a nap. ((I hate to say this, but that is kind of unfair. If I'm tired, you can only expect me to sleep.)) So, I tried going back to sleep, except KJ came up and turned on his music, so I said screw it and went downstairs and called Wes back.

Let's see. Wes and I chilled at his place for awhile, then he had guitar. So, his mom, Haylee, and I went to Ground Level and sat around drinking and talking. It was really cool. Then, we picked him up...and...DAD CALLED. Yeah. It's his birthday. He wanted to go out to dinner, so I got dropped off at home (I invited Wes to come with us, but he didn't want to come with us, I guess...) So, we went to Buckets, and the guy there was SO MEAN! LOL! When I didn't know what I wanted, he started bothering me, goading me into giving him a response! X.x; lol, I wound up ordering both, just to get him to go away!!!

Tomorrow's the Journalism field trip to Ball State. It'll be crazy, cuz KJ is, omg, driving me to school!!! See, he's going on the trip too, so it's only natural. But, I'm still trying to figure out why he's going?

Hi-ho...x.o;
Thursday, April 18, 2002 // 06:28 a.m.

Well, KJ's home. Like, for good. THANK GOD. I've been worried sick about him, even if he's acting like it's all fine and dandy. I am no longer an only child. Tomorrow, in fact, he has to give me a ride to school...we're both going on the J-Day field trip for Kuhn's class, soooo, yeah. I'll be signing up for a lot of photography shizzo. I wonder what he'll do, since he's only Kuhn's first period assistant...? And didn't he have Expository Writing fifth period last semester? Ah, whatever. Basically, it shocked me to see his permission slip on Kuhn's desk. Even moreso, I am sooo jealous! Since KJ's over 18, he can sign his own permission slips. There's so much I could do if I were 18...being a minor sucks.

I have offically heard the WORST thing I have ever heard in my life. See, let's see if I can get the synopsis... Melissa was going out with this guy that she was in love with. Then, he declared agnostic. She dumped him, because of this. So now, she's really lonely, but a) won't ask anyone else out, because she's too in love with him and b) won't ask him back out because he's not Christian. However, she's convinced that he is, because he has quoted the bible. Now, that really isn't that bad. Some people are very strict about dating within their religion, and that's very understandable. The part about the bible, of course, is NOT true, because I am atheist and could tell you nearly any bible story there is. In Block, I dominated the King Arthur section, because it was a Christian allegory. I win. But, see, here's the part that literally sickens me. She was talking to Steve about this (that's how I heard about it...he sent me the convo in frustration). Quoth Melissa: "see, when a Christian dates someone who is not, that Christian is brought down almost 100% of the time" But oh no, folks, that's not the only bad part. She went on to say that only Christians understand the bible. I understand it. I only read it twice, back in fourth and sixth grades. I understand plenty, and the thing is, that is exactly WHY I am atheist. I know what Christianity is all about, and I don't agree with it. To be quite honest, all of that is my perfect example of why so many Christians are fake. They think they're so good, because they're pleasing god and Jesus, but in truth, they're discriminating against people just because they're different from them. Honestly. No offense to all you Christians out there, but GROW UP.

My own insecurities are getting to me...
Wednesday, April 17, 2002 // 10:37 p.m.

You know, every once in awhile, I get one of those days when I just feel as though Wes doesn't love me, like he says he does. Today is one of them. Most of the day, he wasn't here. Honors Bio had a field trip to the Toledo Zoo today. Then, when he got home, he called me. I couldn't go over, cuz he couldn't pick me up and Marilyn didn't want to take me. So, we met at Wings, like everyone else does. It kinda surprised/disappointed me, though, cuz he didn't want to stay on the phone, then, when I couldn't come over. So I sat around and played FFX while I waited to leave. Then, at Wings, he didn't talk a lot to me....but then again, Dan kept distracting me, saying stuff to me. Also, Danny was REALLY MEAN! to me tonight!!! It pissed me off. Also, Paul was being a...a GUY to Krista. Basically he tried turning her into what I used to be, except she wasn't willing. Poor girl. Anyway, we rode home, and Wes and I sat upstairs watching TV for awhile. Then he decided he wanted to play music. I was kinda upset, I guess...if you heard his choice of song, you would've been too. It was Right Now by SR - 71, and lemme pick some choice lyrics... "She clings to me like cellophane," "Slowly driving me insane," "So what if the sex was great?/It's just a temporary escape." "She may not be Miss Right, she'll do right now." x.o; There was another one, a Metallica song...Better Man, maybe? All in all, I just got this general...feeling of him not caring. The irony of it all? We wound up talking...cuz I could tell that something was wrong. He told me it didn't feel, to him, like I cared. OH, THE IRONY. SOMEONE SHOOT ME. x.o; Go fucking figure... The only way I can respond to that is a snippet from a convo with Amanda.
jackass2272: just make sure u tell him how much u like him everyday
Silver Fox 0319: Oh, trust me, I do. I love him more than anything...he is my reason for being there everyday...and he knows. But insecurities between the both of us causes worry and doubt

UGH!
Tuesday, April 16, 2002 // 10:30 p.m.

There are some people I just want to SMACK some days. Today, it's Adam's day. See, I'm one of those people that has the insistance that if "you brought it up, you're spilling." So when someone says "I wrote an angsty, depressed entry in my journal," the journal won't load, and then they delete it, telling me I wouldn't want to read it anyway, it pisses me off. Generally, I like knowing what my friends are thinking and why. Pardon me for caring... See, people, I have something to tell you all...unless you have intentions of telling me something, don't even bother bringing it up. KTHX. *frowns* I'm going to go shower now.

Squeegee.
Tuesday, April 16, 2002 // 10:14 p.m.

Uh. Right. Anyway. Entry.

I didn't exactly get much homework done last night... ^^; Can you blame me? The research paper was due today, too. I just finished it, and I'm sooo proud. It's five whole pages, without a word of bullshit. I don't think I've ever done this. I used five sources, which seem very decent. Everyone clap for Kelly! On top of that, I got another roll of film for Journalism done. I went to Emily's track meet today and took pictures. Also, before that, I had a UFS skirmish game. We won, believe it or not! I didn't get the frisbee much, but I don't really care. I'm only on that team because Wes wants me to be, and I want to spend time with him.

Umm. What was I going to write? Oh. Uh. Shitake mushrooms... Whatever. It must not have been that important! ^^;;;
Oh. Duh. Layout. You like? Technically, I should have Elise's layout she made for me up, but I am LAZY and don't feel like playing with that right now. I'm gunna re-do the background on it, anyway. This one was nice and pretty, so I decided to put it up so I could "thug it" in the "ghetto." lol, right, Aboite has a ghetto. *dies laughing* That is a good one...!